Is love really as beautiful as they say? Are the happy couples we see everyday as happy behind closed doors? Because if they are just putting on a show, I don't want to experience this thing called love! I fear it because i feel like it is a dark cloud that just brings forth misery and wet pillows.
The first thing i did after the break up was text my cousin, it read :"He's a toad!!" And she knew exactly what i was talking about. It meant that my little so called relationship was finally over and I had found out that that my long awaited first kiss with Mr Right was with Mr Wrong, LOL. I was devastated that i had saved my lips for a toad! It felt like an all time low at the time. Where is my Happy ever after?? The question i ask myself on a daily, what is he like? Does he put God first? Will he like foreign films as well? Will he think its gross that i mix my 2 minute noodles with about 3 condiments and eat them with bread? Probably. But i want him to love every inch of me regardless of my many flaws and childish ways, i want him to know that i will probably not be as open as he wants me to be for the next few weeks or months, patience is what we both need, and in no time we'll be inseparable.
This year my fragile heart experienced cracks and later it was in pieces for the first time, over a guy ..the very same guys we are not warned about when we set foot on varsity ground..the ones who are deemed less likely to break your heart. I mean just the past week we were talking dates and in love ( at least i was) and exchanging texts! Then, he just woke up one morning and decided that he didn't feel the same anymore, and i couldn't force him to love me because it was final that he's retired form loving me ( if he ever did). It hurt and I was shocked that someone like me would be broken up with because I believed that I had made a pact with God that like Cinderella, i would never kiss a frog, LOL ..My first was supposed to be my last! This ordeal made me realize that humans are ever changing and i don't have to trust anybody 100 percent. To this day i have trust issues, especially after going through our old inbox conversations and realized that everything turned out to be me building sand castles in the sky. It was like i was constantly fed false hope.
I realized that the had tables turned and now i was the one who got rejected got replaced. If we were married and got divorced, i'd say the ink on the papers hasn't even dried yet because i didn't believe he could move on so quickly. Right now i feel sorry for myself because it seems I've lost hope, i advice people that they shouldn't paint people with the same brush yet, here i am doing it. I don't think i'm ready to trust someone with my heart yet, this has in turn made me act cold towards the opposite sex. I never want to believe what comes out of a man's mouth, because i believe they are saying it because they are in the moment. I don't want to lie about my disappointment ..it was really profound, i hope this changes though.
The thing about being in love today is the expectations from both parties. I wont lie and say that i don't have any expectations, but some people are just too soon to cut you off before they see the best of you! I console myself by saying that "it's his loss, it's a pity he didn't experience my awesomeness" but then again it could be his gain because he may have acquired someone with a more addictive personality than mine, this made me feel insecure and unsure about my looks. I've never seen myself stoop so low in terms of feelings and i never want to see myself on this level again. I've decided to ask God not to entertain my 'selfish' desires and due dates because i have to let Him take control because His timing is never flawed! He is the only one who knows why we encounter such situations and at His own time, He will reveal the real reason.
i know many people would ask why i seem to be making a big deal out of this, because to them it would be water under the bridge, well ..This was my first experience of being 'loved' and me loving back out of choice, and it actually punched me right in the face because i had set the pedestal so high, and we all know that the higher the pedestal, the harder the fall. Therefore i refuse to call anybody my 'first love' because the only person who deserves this tittle is the man that i am going to submit to. the man that i will be seen as One in the eyes of the Lord. I've been rebuking a grudge and I've since been trying to master the art of moving on and focusing more on me, making sure i look better and think better than i used to in order to Please God and me.
where does this put me in terms of relationships in the future? well, i just want to be happy and make somebody happy as well. i don't want to involve my past in my future because forward we go! i know that whoever he is, he will be amazing. God is not the author of confusion, so i believe that when you meet the one, you will know! and not a cloud of confusion will weigh over you. Everybody deserves someone who will be crazy about them and vice versa.
At the end of the day, i learnt that heart break is inevitable and that no one is immune to it, no matter how much of a good girl you might have been all your life. we are all prone to having our expectations stomped on and we should learn to pick them right up, dust them and continue possessing them... we simply cannot devour catfish when caviar is also on the menu!
thanks for stopping by! xx